Twilight Review

I want to beat Edward Cullen with a stick.

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

Oh, my. This book justifies Bad Book Month all by itself. It's appalling. The redeeming factors are few and far between (mostly Charlie, because he's sweet; and maybe Jasper), but they're helpless against the overwhelming gag factor.

The most appalling element, however, is how popular this novel is. How many teenage girls are drinking this up and screaming for more. I fear for my gender's future, for what they're learning about love and relationships through this series.

However, I'm not the only one who's noticed the general lack of quality about this book (and its sequels, which I hear just get worse).
Because of the amount of anti-Twilight stuff out there - though, granted, it only equals the smallest fraction of the pro-Twilight fangirl mania - I'm not going to write a review. I'm not going to go into the disturbing way Bella and Edward's obsessive relationship is portrayed as true love, or how borderline abusive it is, with Bella's complete lack of self outside Edward and Edward's controlling, emotionally unstable behavior. I don't have anything new to say on the topic.

I am, instead, going to provide you with a catalog. A count of various elements in the book, which should give you a feel for exactly how numerous its flaws are.

The Catalog

Number of Pages in the Book: 498
The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328
When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372

Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5

Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.

References to Edward's Beauty: 165

Broken Down into the following categories -

• Face: 24  (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)
• Voice: 20  (The voice of an archangel, donchaknow.)
• Eyes: 17
• Movement: 11
• Smile: 10
• Teeth: 8
• Muscles: 7
• Skin: 7  (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't count references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times larger.)
• Iron Strength or Limbs: 5
• Breath: 4  (EVEN HIS BREATH IS AMAZING.)
• Scent: 4
• Laughter: 3
• Handwriting: 2
• Chest: 2
• Driving Skills: 1

The Number of Times...

• Bella Is Clumsy or Makes a Reference to Her Clumsiness: 26
• Bella Sneers at Forks or Its Inhabitants: 22
• Bella is "Dazzled" or Rendered Speechless by Edward's Beauty or Touch: 17
• Edward Tells Bella to Stay Away from Him While Completely Contradicting Himself with His Behavior: 16
• Bella is Utterly Desolate at Edward's Absence: 12
• Edward and Bella Kiss: 8
  • Bella's Hormones Get the Better of Her and She Attacks Edward, Almost Causing Him to Eat Her: 2 (She's not even allowed to kiss him back! Where's the fun in that?)
  • Edward's Kiss Makes Bella Faint: 1
  • Edward's Kiss Makes Bella's Heart Literally Stop: 1
• Bella Thinks She Isn't Good Enough for Edward: 6
• Edward Is Referred to As Godlike: 5  (Note: This number might be off, as I didn't start counting until three or four mentions in.)
• Edward Tells Bella She's Unnatural: 5
• Edward Sparkles: 3
• Bella is in Mortal Danger: 3
  • Edward Saves Bella from Mortal Danger: 3
• Edward Stalks Bella, For Real: 2  (Note: One of these instances involves watching her sleep every night for, like, months.)
• Bella says "Holy Crow!": 2
• Bella and Edward Argue About Who Loves the Other Most: 1
• Edward's Inability to Read Bella's Mind is Explained: 0

I would have kept track of how many times Edward's mood shifts unexpectedly and for no reason, but I didn't have that much paper. I am sad, though, that I didn't keep track of how many times words like "granite," "stone," and "marble" are used in reference to Edward. His arms, his lips. Explain to me how kissing cold, marble lips is at all appealing. And yet it makes Bella faint. I give up.

+++++++

Lines That Made Me Laugh Out Loud Because...Well, You'll See:

I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious.

Note: Unless I say otherwise, just assume such sentiments are referring to Edward in all his glory.

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.
Incandescent. Scintillating. The adjectives in this book cracked me up. Because he sparkles!

The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.

Paled! Is that a joke? Oh, she's serious? I was afraid of that.

As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water.

This to me was the most disturbing aspect of Edward's inhuman perfection. It's just weird. And gross. And weird.

Edward: "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

Um, Ed, babe? You were seventeen when you were turned. I highly doubt those "hungers" were foreign to you.

I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.

He pressed his cool lips to my forehead, and the room spun. The smell of his breath made it impossible to think.

Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted.

He leaned in slowly, the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether.

...EDWARD KISSES HER AND HER HEART LITERALLY STOPS. I just...I don't even know what to do with this. Other than laugh hysterically while I beat my head against the table.

+++++++

From now on, I'm using the word "Edwardian" to refer to something inhumanly beautiful or perfect. For example: "Joe is totally Edwardian. Did you see his abs?"

And, because I am going to laugh at Edward Cullen for the rest of my life - because why, if you are immortal and so gorgeous that women faint at the sight of you, would you enroll in high school? wouldn't you have better things to do with your time? - I decided to start by writing a short parody of Twilight. When I finished, I realized it wasn't quite as much of a parody as I'd hoped, because the writing is actually like this. It's hard to make it even more ridiculous, but I tried. I'm pretty sure every adjective I used is already in the book. Multiple times.

Note: This contains a ridiculous theory of mine regarding the Twilight cover. Why is she holding an apple? Why? I get the color scheme, but an apple? Thus was born my vampiric fruit theory.

Note 2: Also, I think the funniest thing in the world would be if Edward actually ate Bella. I'd, like, frame that passage. Sadly, at the end of the series, I have the feeling Bella will have yet another tragic accident, only this time, the only way Edward will be able to save her is to turn her into a vampire - just as she's always wanted! And I will mourn the death of teen literature.

And now - the parody!

+++++++

Duskiness

Edward leaned toward me, his perfect face inches from mine. His sweet, delicious breath ghosted over my face. His golden eyes glowed with love.

“How do you like it?” he whispered, his velvet voice purring in my ear.

I couldn’t respond, so dazzled was I by his sparkling skin. He shone like a diamond in the sun, a godlike creature before me.

He smirked at my befuddlement, but then his face darkened and he thundered, “Don’t be difficult, Bella!”

I cringed, but he instantly softened, chuckled his bell-like laugh, and leaned toward me again. His cold, pale fingers brushed my cheek. I stopped breathing.

“Come here,” he said, bounding up in one of those blindingly-fast movements I’d grown accustomed to. “I want to show you something.”

He led me to a small creek and sank gracefully into the grass at its edge. I tripped over a pebble and landed on my face in the mud. Edward laughed. How could he love me? He was so beautiful, gorgeous, and perfect. Like the statue of David come alive. Like Adonis, a god, an angel.

Edward removed his shoes and rolled up the cuffs of his jeans, and I gasped at the sight of his white, smooth ankles. Sunlight reflected off his toenails, each an ivory glint of perfection. I’d never seen Edward’s feet before. I hadn’t realized he could be more beautiful than he was, but there seemed no end to his beauty.

My heart beat madly in my chest, bounced up into my throat, ricocheted off half a dozen ribs, and finally settled somewhere in the vicinity of my kneecap. I collapsed.

Faster than a speeding bullet, Edward had lifted me in his marble arms and cradled me to his granite chest. “Bella? Bella!” he screamed. “No!”

The sight of his perfect, glorious face so twisted in anguish sent waves of torture through my body. “Edward!” I gasped.

His cold, unyielding lips pressed to mine, but I dared not move for fear of breaking his control, so irresistible did he find the scent of my blood. I could not bear knowing I had caused Edward pain by forcing him to eat me. My heart fluttered around my kneecap.

The kiss done, Edward set me on my feet. Without moving, I tripped over a stick and would have fallen in the stream had Edward not caught me in his iron embrace.

“Will you answer a question?” I asked.

“Of course, my love, my life, my forever,” Edward said, casually tearing boulders apart with his toes. I watched, spellbound for a moment, before remembering myself.

“I once asked if you could turn into a bat, and you just laughed.”

Edward smirked. “Because it was a stupid question. We don’t turn into bats. Why would we want to turn into bats?”

“But can you turn into something?”

“Of course.” He stood, stretched, and his shirt rose enough for me to catch a glimpse of his sculpted abs above his waistband. I hyperventilated and passed out.

When I awoke, Edward was speaking.

“—for disguise.”

“What?” I asked breathlessly.

“I said, we turn into fruit. It’s great for disguising yourself.” He watched me carefully, to see if this revelation would finally be the one that convinced me he was a monster, that sent me screaming from him.

“Oh.” I said. “What kind of fruit?”

He looked frustrated, annoyed, euphoric, scared, nervous, grumpy, amused, sleepy, and sad. Like an archangel come down from heaven to bless me with his presence. “An apple.”

“Oh. Can I see?”

Rage colored his features. “No! Why can’t you understand? I’m a danger to you! I could kill you! I should leave you forever!” He threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around me. “I should go – right now! It’s the only way to keep you safe!”

Despair settled over me, so thick and heavy I could hardly see. “No, Edward! Don’t leave me! I know we’ve only been together for three hours, but I want to spend forever with you! Please!”

He pulled back and looked at me, thousands of emotions roiling in his liquid topaz eyes. “Do you mean that, Bella?”

“Yes.”

“Very well.”

His perfect, glorious, heavenly face dipped toward me, and he touched his cold lips to my neck. He growled deep in his throat, a sound that traveled up and down my spine like lightning.

Then came a sharp pain. His grip tightened. I gasped his name. My sight dimmed until all I could see was the sparkle of his skin, calling me to paradise.

Then nothing.

****

Edward looked down at the body of Bella Swan, pale and lifeless in his pale and lifeless arms.

“Oops.”

His sobs shook the forest for six long seconds, and then he stood, wiping a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth.

“Yum.”

He sprinted for the edge of the forest, moving faster than any living creature, and wondered if that Angela girl would be his new lab partner.

The End!

+++++++

And now you don't have to read the book. Your brain will thank you.

+++++++

EDIT 6/14/2008:
After the sudden slew of reviews to this entry, I've decided to add a little postscript. I wrote this for a few people on my flist I knew would enjoy it and never intended to post it to any comms or in anyway try to get it out to the mass-Twilight-reading public. I amused myself and some others, and that was all I intended.

That said, for all of you who have stopped by in the last month, read, commented, and enjoyed, I'm glad I was able to bring a little laughter and humor into your day, and thank you for enjoying this so much that you shared with others. I am humbled and honored by your attention.

Two small things, and then I'll stop making this epic post even longer.

1. Shortly after I posted this, someone pointed out the apple=forbidden fruit thing to me. I felt really stupid for about five minutes, but couldn't be bothered to edit the post. Rest assured that I am firmly aware of the cover's symbolism at this time.

2. Apparently I spelled Stephenie Meyer's name wrong. Sorry 'bout that.

-Yoni

New Moon Review

Vampire Secrets

Vampires in the XIX Century

"The belief in bloodsucking spectres, also called vampire», is very old. The modern Greeks, according to Tournefort's Relation d'un Voyage du Levant (1st vol., p. 32), call such monsters broucoloxas ; but even the ancient Greeks had their empousai; and the lamiae and lémures of the Romans originated from the same superstition. In 1732, great commotions were caused in Hungary, and particularly in Servia, by the general belief in human vampires, so that investigations were instituted by the government. The common people believed that the bodies of persons who died under sentence of excommunication for sorcery or other crimes, did not decay, but devoured their own flesh, and, during the night, left their graves, and sucked the blood of persona with whom they had been connected, so as to kill them." Enciclopedia americana (1832)

"This popular belief in Vampires is not confined to Crete and Greece; but, as most of my readers will be aware, is very widely spread : they are found in Dalmatia, Hungary, Moravia, and other countries.

During the middle ages, a belief in ravages committed by similar monsters, was not confined to poets, in our own island, but formed an article of generally prevalent superstition among the people, and, like the equally absurd belief in witchcraft of more recent times, was shared with them by the clergy.

William of Newbury, who flourished in the twelfth century, relates that, in Buckinghamshire, a man appeared several times to his wife, after he had been buried. The aid of the church was called in, as is still done on similar occasions by the Greeks. The archdeacon and clergy thought it right to apply to the bishop (of Lincoln), who learnt that such events were of frequent occurrence in England, and that the only known remedy was to burn the body, which, on opening the grave, was found in the same state as on the day of its interment. The same author mentions a similar story, the locality of which was the town of Berwick-upon-Tweed, where the body was cut in pieces and burnt. Another Vampire was burnt at Melrose Abbey. He had been a very worldly priest, and so fond of hunting that he was commonly called Hundeprest. A still worse case occurred at a castle in the north of England, where the Vampire so frightened all the people, that no one ever ventured out of doors between sunset and sunrise, " Ne forte oberranti monstro sugillandus occurreret." The sons of one of his supposed victims at length opened his grave, and pierced his body, from which a great quantity of blood immediately flowed, and plainly proved how many persons had been his victims.....
(The Morlacchians seem to have found the burning or boiling described by Calmet and Ricaut unnecessary : " When a man dies suspected of becoming a Vampire or Vukodlak, as they call it, they cut his hams, and prick his whole body with pins, pretending that, after this operation, he cannot walk about. There are even instances of Morlacchi, who, imagining that they may possibly thirst for childrens' blood after death, intreat their heirs, and sometimes oblige them to promise, to treat them as vampires when they die.") " Robert Pashley, Travels in Crete (1837)

"The other superstition to which we have adverted, is still more extensively received than that just described. It is called Vampirism, and prevails very much amongst the common people in Poland, Hungary, and Turkey; but is happily unknown to the British islands. A vampire, is one who has died, but leaves his grave occasionally, to torment, and sometimes to seek the blood of the living. An instance of the most lamentable nature indeed, of the effects of this horrible delusion, was witnessed in Illyria by the collector of these ballads. He was staying at the house of a rich Morlac, and one night he was merrily conversing with his host, when their attention was attracted by a dismal cry, which issued from an adjoining chamber, where the wife and daughter had been together in bed. The former exclaimed, "A vampire, a vampire— my poor girl is dead." The young woman had already fainted in her mother's arms. As soon as she was somewhat recovered, she declared that she saw the window open, and a ghastly figure, in a winding-sheet come in; that he threw himself upon her, and bit her neck. By the description of the person, it was concluded that the vampire was a man named Wiecznany, who had been buried fifteen days before. Consternation filled all hearts, and a resolution was entered into, to disinter the body of the vampire, and burn it.

' At the break of day,' continues the writer, ' the whole village was in motion : the men were armed with guns and short swords; the women carried red irons, and the children were loaded with sticks and stones. In this manner they proceeded to the church-yard, amidst the most tumultuous cries and execrations on the vampire. As every body wished to have a hand in the affair, the exhumation went on but very slowly, and numerous accidents, no doubt, would have taken place, were it not for some old men, who had influence enough to contrive that the work should be left to two men only. As soon as the winding-sheet which enclosed the body was lifted up, a horribly piercing cry arose, which made my hair stand an end. It proceeded from a woman who stood near me—" He is a vampire—the worms have not touched him;"—and the exclamation was re-echoed by a hundred voices. The head of the dead man was now broken into fragments ; the father and relations of the poor patient being amongst the foremost to strike, whilst some of the women received on their handkerchief some of the red.liquor that oozed from the body, and which was to be rubbed to the girl's neck.'—pp. 148—150.

The body was afterwards burned before the door of the Morlacs, where the unhappy girl lay pining away. Such is the omnipotence of the imagination—she daily grew worse—she resisted every description of influence which was applied to her body or mind ; and on the eleventh day after the suppposed visitation, she breathed her last."  The Monthtly review, vol. 6 (1827)

The Grudge by Imimi Chan