I want to beat Edward Cullen with a stick.
Twilight by Stephanie MeyerOh, my. This book justifies Bad Book Month all by itself. It's appalling. The redeeming factors are few and far between (mostly Charlie, because he's sweet; and maybe Jasper), but they're helpless against the overwhelming gag factor.
The most appalling element, however, is how popular this novel is. How many teenage girls are drinking this up and screaming for more. I fear for my gender's future, for what they're learning about love and relationships through this series.
However, I'm not the only one who's noticed the general lack of quality about this book (and its sequels, which I hear just get worse).
Because of the amount of anti-Twilight stuff out there - though, granted, it only equals the smallest fraction of the pro-Twilight fangirl mania - I'm not going to write a review. I'm not going to go into the disturbing way Bella and Edward's obsessive relationship is portrayed as true love, or how borderline abusive it is, with Bella's complete lack of self outside Edward and Edward's controlling, emotionally unstable behavior. I don't have anything new to say on the topic.
I am, instead, going to provide you with a catalog. A count of various elements in the book, which should give you a feel for exactly how numerous its flaws are.
The Catalog
Number of Pages in the Book: 498
The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328
When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372
Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5
Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.
References to Edward's Beauty: 165
Broken Down into the following categories -
The Number of Times...
Number of Pages in the Book: 498
The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328
When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372
Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5
Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.
References to Edward's Beauty: 165
Broken Down into the following categories -
- Face: 24 (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)
- Voice: 20 (The voice of an archangel, donchaknow.)
- Eyes: 17
- Movement: 11
- Smile: 10
- Teeth: 8
- Muscles: 7
- Skin: 7 (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't count references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times larger.)
- Iron Strength or Limbs: 5
- Breath: 4 (EVEN HIS BREATH IS AMAZING.)
- Scent: 4
- Laughter: 3
- Handwriting: 2
- Chest: 2
- Driving Skills: 1
The Number of Times...
- Bella Is Clumsy or Makes a Reference to Her Clumsiness: 26
- Bella Sneers at Forks or Its Inhabitants: 22
- Bella is "Dazzled" or Rendered Speechless by Edward's Beauty or Touch: 17
- Edward Tells Bella to Stay Away from Him While Completely Contradicting Himself with His Behavior: 16
- Bella is Utterly Desolate at Edward's Absence: 12
- Edward and Bella Kiss: 8
- Bella's Hormones Get the Better of Her and She Attacks Edward, Almost Causing Him to Eat Her: 2 (She's not even allowed to kiss him back! Where's the fun in that?)
- Edward's Kiss Makes Bella Faint: 1
- Edward's Kiss Makes Bella's Heart Literally Stop: 1
- Bella Thinks She Isn't Good Enough for Edward: 6
- Edward Is Referred to As Godlike: 5 (Note: This number might be off, as I didn't start counting until three or four mentions in.)
- Edward Tells Bella She's Unnatural: 5
- Edward Sparkles: 3
- Bella is in Mortal Danger: 3
- Edward Saves Bella from Mortal Danger: 3
- Edward Stalks Bella, For Real: 2 (Note: One of these instances involves watching her sleep every night for, like, months.)
- Bella says "Holy Crow!": 2
- Bella and Edward Argue About Who Loves the Other Most: 1
- Edward's Inability to Read Bella's Mind is Explained: 0
I would have kept track of how many times Edward's mood shifts unexpectedly and for no reason, but I didn't have that much paper. I am sad, though, that I didn't keep track of how many times words like "granite," "stone," and "marble" are used in reference to Edward. His arms, his lips. Explain to me how kissing cold, marble lips is at all appealing. And yet it makes Bella faint. I give up.
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Lines That Made Me Laugh Out Loud Because...Well, You'll See:
I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious.
Note: Unless I say otherwise, just assume such sentiments are referring to Edward in all his glory.
He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.
Incandescent. Scintillating. The adjectives in this book cracked me up. Because he sparkles!
The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.
Paled! Is that a joke? Oh, she's serious? I was afraid of that.
As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water.
This to me was the most disturbing aspect of Edward's inhuman perfection. It's just weird. And gross. And weird.
Edward: "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."
Um, Ed, babe? You were seventeen when you were turned. I highly doubt those "hungers" were foreign to you.
I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.
He pressed his cool lips to my forehead, and the room spun. The smell of his breath made it impossible to think.
Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted.
He leaned in slowly, the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether.
...EDWARD KISSES HER AND HER HEART LITERALLY STOPS. I just...I don't even know what to do with this. Other than laugh hysterically while I beat my head against the table.
I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious.
Note: Unless I say otherwise, just assume such sentiments are referring to Edward in all his glory.
He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare.
Incandescent. Scintillating. The adjectives in this book cracked me up. Because he sparkles!
The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.
Paled! Is that a joke? Oh, she's serious? I was afraid of that.
As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water.
This to me was the most disturbing aspect of Edward's inhuman perfection. It's just weird. And gross. And weird.
Edward: "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."
Um, Ed, babe? You were seventeen when you were turned. I highly doubt those "hungers" were foreign to you.
I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.
He pressed his cool lips to my forehead, and the room spun. The smell of his breath made it impossible to think.
Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted.
He leaned in slowly, the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether.
...EDWARD KISSES HER AND HER HEART LITERALLY STOPS. I just...I don't even know what to do with this. Other than laugh hysterically while I beat my head against the table.
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From now on, I'm using the word "Edwardian" to refer to something inhumanly beautiful or perfect. For example: "Joe is totally Edwardian. Did you see his abs?"
And, because I am going to laugh at Edward Cullen for the rest of my life - because why, if you are immortal and so gorgeous that women faint at the sight of you, would you enroll in high school? wouldn't you have better things to do with your time? - I decided to start by writing a short parody of Twilight. When I finished, I realized it wasn't quite as much of a parody as I'd hoped, because the writing is actually like this. It's hard to make it even more ridiculous, but I tried. I'm pretty sure every adjective I used is already in the book. Multiple times.
Note: This contains a ridiculous theory of mine regarding the Twilight cover. Why is she holding an apple? Why? I get the color scheme, but an apple? Thus was born my vampiric fruit theory.
Note 2: Also, I think the funniest thing in the world would be if Edward actually ate Bella. I'd, like, frame that passage. Sadly, at the end of the series, I have the feeling Bella will have yet another tragic accident, only this time, the only way Edward will be able to save her is to turn her into a vampire - just as she's always wanted! And I will mourn the death of teen literature.
And now - the parody!
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Duskiness
Edward leaned toward me, his perfect face inches from mine. His sweet, delicious breath ghosted over my face. His golden eyes glowed with love.
“How do you like it?” he whispered, his velvet voice purring in my ear.
I couldn’t respond, so dazzled was I by his sparkling skin. He shone like a diamond in the sun, a godlike creature before me.
He smirked at my befuddlement, but then his face darkened and he thundered, “Don’t be difficult, Bella!”
I cringed, but he instantly softened, chuckled his bell-like laugh, and leaned toward me again. His cold, pale fingers brushed my cheek. I stopped breathing.
“Come here,” he said, bounding up in one of those blindingly-fast movements I’d grown accustomed to. “I want to show you something.”
He led me to a small creek and sank gracefully into the grass at its edge. I tripped over a pebble and landed on my face in the mud. Edward laughed. How could he love me? He was so beautiful, gorgeous, and perfect. Like the statue of David come alive. Like Adonis, a god, an angel.
Edward removed his shoes and rolled up the cuffs of his jeans, and I gasped at the sight of his white, smooth ankles. Sunlight reflected off his toenails, each an ivory glint of perfection. I’d never seen Edward’s feet before. I hadn’t realized he could be more beautiful than he was, but there seemed no end to his beauty.
My heart beat madly in my chest, bounced up into my throat, ricocheted off half a dozen ribs, and finally settled somewhere in the vicinity of my kneecap. I collapsed.
Faster than a speeding bullet, Edward had lifted me in his marble arms and cradled me to his granite chest. “Bella? Bella!” he screamed. “No!”
The sight of his perfect, glorious face so twisted in anguish sent waves of torture through my body. “Edward!” I gasped.
His cold, unyielding lips pressed to mine, but I dared not move for fear of breaking his control, so irresistible did he find the scent of my blood. I could not bear knowing I had caused Edward pain by forcing him to eat me. My heart fluttered around my kneecap.
The kiss done, Edward set me on my feet. Without moving, I tripped over a stick and would have fallen in the stream had Edward not caught me in his iron embrace.
“Will you answer a question?” I asked.
“Of course, my love, my life, my forever,” Edward said, casually tearing boulders apart with his toes. I watched, spellbound for a moment, before remembering myself.
“I once asked if you could turn into a bat, and you just laughed.”
Edward smirked. “Because it was a stupid question. We don’t turn into bats. Why would we want to turn into bats?”
“But can you turn into something?”
“Of course.” He stood, stretched, and his shirt rose enough for me to catch a glimpse of his sculpted abs above his waistband. I hyperventilated and passed out.
When I awoke, Edward was speaking.
“—for disguise.”
“What?” I asked breathlessly.
“I said, we turn into fruit. It’s great for disguising yourself.” He watched me carefully, to see if this revelation would finally be the one that convinced me he was a monster, that sent me screaming from him.
“Oh.” I said. “What kind of fruit?”
He looked frustrated, annoyed, euphoric, scared, nervous, grumpy, amused, sleepy, and sad. Like an archangel come down from heaven to bless me with his presence. “An apple.”
“Oh. Can I see?”
Rage colored his features. “No! Why can’t you understand? I’m a danger to you! I could kill you! I should leave you forever!” He threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around me. “I should go – right now! It’s the only way to keep you safe!”
Despair settled over me, so thick and heavy I could hardly see. “No, Edward! Don’t leave me! I know we’ve only been together for three hours, but I want to spend forever with you! Please!”
He pulled back and looked at me, thousands of emotions roiling in his liquid topaz eyes. “Do you mean that, Bella?”
“Yes.”
“Very well.”
His perfect, glorious, heavenly face dipped toward me, and he touched his cold lips to my neck. He growled deep in his throat, a sound that traveled up and down my spine like lightning.
Then came a sharp pain. His grip tightened. I gasped his name. My sight dimmed until all I could see was the sparkle of his skin, calling me to paradise.
Then nothing.
Edward looked down at the body of Bella Swan, pale and lifeless in his pale and lifeless arms.
“Oops.”
His sobs shook the forest for six long seconds, and then he stood, wiping a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth.
“Yum.”
He sprinted for the edge of the forest, moving faster than any living creature, and wondered if that Angela girl would be his new lab partner.
Duskiness
Edward leaned toward me, his perfect face inches from mine. His sweet, delicious breath ghosted over my face. His golden eyes glowed with love.
“How do you like it?” he whispered, his velvet voice purring in my ear.
I couldn’t respond, so dazzled was I by his sparkling skin. He shone like a diamond in the sun, a godlike creature before me.
He smirked at my befuddlement, but then his face darkened and he thundered, “Don’t be difficult, Bella!”
I cringed, but he instantly softened, chuckled his bell-like laugh, and leaned toward me again. His cold, pale fingers brushed my cheek. I stopped breathing.
“Come here,” he said, bounding up in one of those blindingly-fast movements I’d grown accustomed to. “I want to show you something.”
He led me to a small creek and sank gracefully into the grass at its edge. I tripped over a pebble and landed on my face in the mud. Edward laughed. How could he love me? He was so beautiful, gorgeous, and perfect. Like the statue of David come alive. Like Adonis, a god, an angel.
Edward removed his shoes and rolled up the cuffs of his jeans, and I gasped at the sight of his white, smooth ankles. Sunlight reflected off his toenails, each an ivory glint of perfection. I’d never seen Edward’s feet before. I hadn’t realized he could be more beautiful than he was, but there seemed no end to his beauty.
My heart beat madly in my chest, bounced up into my throat, ricocheted off half a dozen ribs, and finally settled somewhere in the vicinity of my kneecap. I collapsed.
Faster than a speeding bullet, Edward had lifted me in his marble arms and cradled me to his granite chest. “Bella? Bella!” he screamed. “No!”
The sight of his perfect, glorious face so twisted in anguish sent waves of torture through my body. “Edward!” I gasped.
His cold, unyielding lips pressed to mine, but I dared not move for fear of breaking his control, so irresistible did he find the scent of my blood. I could not bear knowing I had caused Edward pain by forcing him to eat me. My heart fluttered around my kneecap.
The kiss done, Edward set me on my feet. Without moving, I tripped over a stick and would have fallen in the stream had Edward not caught me in his iron embrace.
“Will you answer a question?” I asked.
“Of course, my love, my life, my forever,” Edward said, casually tearing boulders apart with his toes. I watched, spellbound for a moment, before remembering myself.
“I once asked if you could turn into a bat, and you just laughed.”
Edward smirked. “Because it was a stupid question. We don’t turn into bats. Why would we want to turn into bats?”
“But can you turn into something?”
“Of course.” He stood, stretched, and his shirt rose enough for me to catch a glimpse of his sculpted abs above his waistband. I hyperventilated and passed out.
When I awoke, Edward was speaking.
“—for disguise.”
“What?” I asked breathlessly.
“I said, we turn into fruit. It’s great for disguising yourself.” He watched me carefully, to see if this revelation would finally be the one that convinced me he was a monster, that sent me screaming from him.
“Oh.” I said. “What kind of fruit?”
He looked frustrated, annoyed, euphoric, scared, nervous, grumpy, amused, sleepy, and sad. Like an archangel come down from heaven to bless me with his presence. “An apple.”
“Oh. Can I see?”
Rage colored his features. “No! Why can’t you understand? I’m a danger to you! I could kill you! I should leave you forever!” He threw himself forward and wrapped his arms around me. “I should go – right now! It’s the only way to keep you safe!”
Despair settled over me, so thick and heavy I could hardly see. “No, Edward! Don’t leave me! I know we’ve only been together for three hours, but I want to spend forever with you! Please!”
He pulled back and looked at me, thousands of emotions roiling in his liquid topaz eyes. “Do you mean that, Bella?”
“Yes.”
“Very well.”
His perfect, glorious, heavenly face dipped toward me, and he touched his cold lips to my neck. He growled deep in his throat, a sound that traveled up and down my spine like lightning.
Then came a sharp pain. His grip tightened. I gasped his name. My sight dimmed until all I could see was the sparkle of his skin, calling me to paradise.
Then nothing.
****
Edward looked down at the body of Bella Swan, pale and lifeless in his pale and lifeless arms.
“Oops.”
His sobs shook the forest for six long seconds, and then he stood, wiping a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth.
“Yum.”
He sprinted for the edge of the forest, moving faster than any living creature, and wondered if that Angela girl would be his new lab partner.
The End!
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And now you don't have to read the book. Your brain will thank you.
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EDIT 6/14/2008:
After the sudden slew of reviews to this entry, I've decided to add a little postscript. I wrote this for a few people on my flist I knew would enjoy it and never intended to post it to any comms or in anyway try to get it out to the mass-Twilight-reading public. I amused myself and some others, and that was all I intended.
That said, for all of you who have stopped by in the last month, read, commented, and enjoyed, I'm glad I was able to bring a little laughter and humor into your day, and thank you for enjoying this so much that you shared with others. I am humbled and honored by your attention.
Two small things, and then I'll stop making this epic post even longer.
1. Shortly after I posted this, someone pointed out the apple=forbidden fruit thing to me. I felt really stupid for about five minutes, but couldn't be bothered to edit the post. Rest assured that I am firmly aware of the cover's symbolism at this time.
2. Apparently I spelled Stephenie Meyer's name wrong. Sorry 'bout that.
-Yoni
